Hold Me Tight: Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships

Hold Me Tight is one of the most compassionate and insightful relationship books I’ve ever read. Dr. Sue Johnson blends science and soul, using attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to gently guide couples back to connection and emotional safety. Rather than offering surface-level fixes, this book gets to the heart of what we all long for—to be seen, understood, and securely loved. The real-life stories and seven conversations offer a powerful roadmap for navigating conflict, healing old wounds, and strengthening love. This isn’t just a book for couples in crisis—it’s for anyone who wants to build a deeper, more secure bond. Honest, tender, and transformative. A must-read.

Dr Sue Johnson is part of a movement in self-help books that are based on sound science and evidence. You could spend ages trawling through the plethora of self-help or start with a scientifically verified approach. Dr Johnson gives you that. Dr Johnson starts with the science of love and intimacy, referring to evidence that people who are in loving relationships have lower stress hormones and more resilient immune responses and are less at risk of high blood pressure, heart attacks and strokes. She writes, " Contact with a loving partner literally acts as a buffer against shock, stress and pain. The people we love...are the hidden regulators of our bodily processes and our emotional lives" (pg 25). Lovingly secure relationships are vital to our health. At the heart of our well-being is an adult attachment need for loving connections akin to a child's attachment need. Our attachment need is fundamental to our psycho-physiological nature; we are social creatures. Dr Johnson focuses on first helping you to evaluate and become aware of the dances or patterns that maintain hurt between couples. She then supports your becoming curious and compassionate about your "raw spots" or "emotionally vulnerable" parts. Our vulnerable raw spots are the flashpoints that trigger irrational rows and deadening distance in our relationships. Getting to know our own and our partner's raw spots is the starting point for building a strong relationship. In awareness and compassion for our own and our partner's vulnerability, lies the building blocks of our strength. Dr Johnson leads you through various chapters on building love and closeness in various facets of your relationships, both emotional and sexual. She presents the process of learning about each other and growing together as a series of conversations suggesting that change can be ordinary and do-able, like a conversation, if you give it time. For some couples there may be an additional complication to overcome, namely the consequences of trauma. Dr Johnson dedicates a chapter to this, to help couples consider the additional challenges that healing from trauma brings. This book will offer vital sound advise and knowledge, but the trouble with all self-help is how to apply it to yourself and your relationships. Whilst Dr Johnson's readable and touching style goes a long way, for some this may be easier than others. What Dr Johnson highlights in this work however, is that healing and thriving happens through relationships. If you are struggling to apply the ideas in the book, it may be worth considering the caring support and professional guidance that a professional relationship with a trained therapist/psychologist can offer to you and/or your partner.

This is an excellent book, based on the ideas of adult attachment in relationships. It s a very accessible book if you re looking for ways of being more connected in your relationship and to explore ways of breaking unhelpful patterns.

Amazing model for relationships. My husband and I argued for years, then he left me. We did counseling but it didn’t work. I’ve read literally hundreds of books and articles, looking for ways to understand and sort problems in relationships. Nothing felt like it really made sense, and the counseling didn’t work. Now I know why. I just wish I’d discovered this book sooner. My husband and I had the same negative dynamics outlined in this book. The great insight it presents is to understand how those dynamics are driven by a primal need to feel loved and restore an intimate connection with a loved one. With one person pushing desperately for connection but in a way that comes across as critical and angry, and the other becoming fearful and hopeless and withdrawing. And no connection is made, so the cycle gets worse and worse. It’s not about bad behavior in the part of one or other person. It’s about connecting at an emotional level to understand each other and restore the attachment bond. All the books and articles I read talked about behaviors and dynamics, but not the underlying drivers and needs. I recognized Gottman’s 4 Horseman model, but the remedies are about changing behavior and not establishing connection. The counselor told me I should be independent and self-sufficient, aim for practical objectives on a tick list, and put my feelings to the side as they were getting in the way of practical goals. Which was the opposite of what I wanted. In contrast, EFT aims to reestablish the emotional bonding connection, which automatically fixes painful behavior dynamics driven by loss of connection, and gives a secure bond from which practical issues can be resolved. I wish I’d know about it, things might be so different.

Simply the most insightful and helpful book I have ever read on the subject of relationships. It is beautifully written, and as a man I'm not ashamed to admit that I was moved to tears on several occasions as I read through the case studies related by the author, and how she helped these couples to restore a safe emotional connection by working through her Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy programme. As I read through the Seven Transforming Conversations it became so painfully clear to me how my former partner and I had got so dreadfully caught up in the downward spiral of the 'demon dialogues' and how we kept rubbing each other's 'raw spots'. Sadly, by the time I started reading this book, my former partner and I had already ended the relationship - it had become so volatile over a 2 year period, complicated for several reasons, resulting in several break-ups. In the end we had just inflicted too much emotional hurt on each other. If only we'd been aware of this book before breaking up, I'm absolutely convinced it would have enabled us to understand how we had become so disconnected, to heal our emotional wounds and ultimately save our relationship. But at least, having now read the book, I have learned some incredibly powerful lessons, and am so much more switched on about how to connect safely with a partner. I really can't recommend this book strongly enough - I feel like I've been to Relationship University and graduated with flying colours! And of course, I'm very confident my next partner will approve of what I have learned!

This is a really interesting book. I have never read a book where I highlighted so many passages. The language is down to earth and concepts so clearly articulated. It is incredibly practical, insightful and informative. Couples stories used are really interesting and serve to communicate the points being made excellently. I learned a lot about relationships and a huge amount about myself from this book. It is head and shoulders above anything else I have read. It is not really a self help book. It is more of a mirror that reveals a lot that you were mildly aware of but perhaps didn’t understand or see nearly clearly enough. Understanding that feelings and doubts you experience are normal and in fact common is really helpful. To be honest there were times when I felt that the author could see into my soul! It is worth it for that alone. It is a fairly unusual experience. Did I learn anything of use from this book?. Hell yes! Would I recommend it? Without hesitation. Were there emotional connections throughout the book. Yes- impossible not to experience that I would think. Bottom line- if you think from the description of the book that it sounds interesting just buy it. You won't be disappointed. Finally - just in case you are a male wondering if this is a book for females- it is not - I am a man past my prime!

Every time you and your partner have a disagreement, you have two basic choices. Firstly, you could blame, grab control, dismiss, shut down, shut your partner out or get revenge. Secondly, you could take a deep breath, tune into your emotions and those of your loved one, take a risk, reach out, confide in or hold your partner. This is just one piece of advice from this admirable book. It's hard to review books of contemporary writers who are working in the same area as me. Johnson is the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy which she founded in Canada and is now spreading round the world. We started working with couples at about the same period... I started in 1985.... but I did not recognised her description of couple work in this era being all transactional (how to negotiate better) and ignoring the emotional content of the argument. Hold me tight is both a manifesto for EFT and an explanation of how it works. Although it takes the reader through seven conversations to turn round a relationship, I don't how it would work on its own. Personally, I would recommend it more as something to read if you were thinking of approaching an EFT therapist or a way of gaining wider understanding while working with one.

Bought in conjunction with the workbook and has been a good send stick worth it and well worth the read

Nice book to understand partner dynamics 😂

I have recommended this book to several people now. It's a game changer. This book is based off of Emotionally Focused Therapy which is a relatively new, but highly effective method used in marriage counseling. I would combine this book with one of John Gottman's books for the best results or at least the broadest use of knowledge in the field. Dr. Johnson and Dr. Gottman are the world's leading experts in love and making relationships work, and it's little wonder why when studies show that their methods work. When you are upset the last thing on your mind is making sure you are fighting fairly and communicating properly. My boyfriend and I started reading this when things were starting to get rocky and it has helped bring us closer together. It is all about people's bids for affection, reassurance, cycles we get stuck in, and how to recognize cues to help break that cycle. It gives you different scenarios of people with real situations, step by step instructions, and then a follow up example of what things should look like and also examples of how things should not look. I have studied psychology and so this information simply excites my soul on its own, but I think the real world application makes this beneficial for everyone. This does not replace a marriage therapist, but should be used as a supplement for a struggling relationship or as a way to bring back the connection of a stale one.

Great book

The book is excellent for relationships, mainly for partners, but can be applied to family and friends. The book apart from teaching the concept of conflict management, helps to bring the message home with examples with couples who have gone through the same issues. I found the book very helpful indeed!

Good reading enjoyable.