Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.: Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder

Excellent book. Clear, well-organized, and informative. Gina Pera wrote a well-researched and balanced book, with an approach free of pharmaceutical money. I have purchased it 3 times, once for me, once for my counselor, and once for the family doctor. Every copy was high quality, nice paper with a clear font, and was well-received by the reader. It has helped me understand the folks in my life affected and my approach to the whole topic. I cannot recommend it enough. 5 stars!!!!!

Okay, my story...My husband and I were married for 10 years before he was diagnosed with Adult ADHD, inattentive subtype. During that decade, I transformed from a relatively spontaneous, moderately adventurous, and generally flexible wife to a rigid, super-anxious, and critical one. Even though he tended to walk out of the room while I was talking, ran us into debt, forget plans, misremembered conversations/decisions we made together, etc., we both pretty much thought the whole thing was my fault because I was so negative all the time. I stuck with it, because I love my husband and because I didn't want my son to grow up with divorced parents, like I did. Even so, I was unhappy enough to start thinking about divorce and I definitely felt like I was going crazy. Fortunately, my husband's best friend told him that he probably had ADHD and my husband was diagnosed and started taking medication at age 39. It was not a cure-all, but it let us get some traction on the situation and finally convinced us to get some marriage counseling. Three years later, we are not entirely out of the woods, but I think we will make it. One very frustrating thing about the experience was the utter lack of support out there for spouses/partners of those with ADHD. I honestly adore my husband and I know that he needs a lot of support and love from me, but I could have used some support too. Even though I knew/know something about the effects of ADHD on his life and mind, I had a hard time putting in the necessary work to make things better because I was exhausted, demoralized and isolated. He got meds and counseling. I got no meds and urgings from websites and counselors to "help him be organized" and "reduce my negative affect so he could rebuild his self-esteem." I did/do my best, but it is hard. I couldn't find a site that discussed the effects on me or his responsibilities to help heal the marriage (just mine). Man, I wish I had this book three years ago...ten years ago. It really is for me and people like me...people who love their partners and want things to work out, but need a sense of support and community. At parts I laughed out loud, but sometimes I was stunned and saddened by how much I had put up with and how bad my life and marriage had gotten before it started to (slowly) get better. My husband picked it up one day and spent the next few days reading it all the way through. Since he is really one of the most wonderful people in the world, he responded with a renewed sense of purpose to figure out how to use compensatory strategies (calendars, alarms, checklists, etc.) and to hire organizers, coaches, etc. (with my okay just because I needed to take over our finances). He came home with flowers after he finished, hugged me, and said that he never really understood the impact that ADHD had on me. He was surprised when he'd read quotes from spouses in the book that were almost identical to things I'd said recently or even years before. Just the hug and the compassion was amazing. I felt validated and appreciated...not a common thing in the past decade, unfortunately. BTW: I disagree with reviewers who think the author treats those with ADHD without compassion or respect. It seem very loving to me. That said, if your partner is still dealing with a new diagnosis or is touchy about it, I wouldn't just dump the book in his or her lap. It really is written for spouses and partners. It does not pull punches when it describes how tough ADHD can be for us. In a way, I feel that both my husband and I have ADHD and that now I am getting some help too. I agree that she is pro-meds, but she makes that clear right from the outset and a lot of the book had nothing to do with treatment. I am pro-meds for adults too, at least for a trial run, so that part didn't bother me. Without meds, I just don't know what we would have done. In short, I loved this book. I thought I'd read everything there was to find about ADHD, but I learned things in every chapter. I am going to order a couple copies for the spouses of my husband's family members, many of whom have similar profiles. I'm even thinking of starting a support group in my area, or finding someone qualified to lead one. I think this book could save marriages, relationships, and some people's sanity.

Written for partners of p/w (people with) AD/HD, by an award-winning journalist whose husband has AD/HD, Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? describes AD/HD symptoms; thoroughly explains AD/HD based on current brain research; communicates with anecdotes how AD/HD symptoms practically manifest in real life and their devastating and frequently annihilating impact on relationships; and provides success strategies for partners of p/w AD/HD for self-care, supporting their AD/HD partners in obtaining treatment, finding effective therapy for both parties and understanding the role of medication in managing AD/HD. Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? is filled with factual information that helps one understand that the behaviors manifested by partners with AD/HD that appear selfish, childish, lazy, willfully incompetent, etc., most likely have an organic origin in their partner's brain and are not necessarily character issues or a reflection of how little their AD/HD partners love them. Describing the impacts of untreated AD/HD on relationships, very frequently accompanied by corollary challenges like substance and junk food abuse, emotional irritability, clinical anxiety, clinical depression and more, Ms. Pera also emphasizes repeatedly the necessity of successfully addressing the AD/HD before addressing the damaged relationship itself. Of exceptional usefulness is guidance Ms. Pera provides in the type of therapeutic modalities that are most effective and appropriate for you, your partner with AD/HD, and together, as well as how to gauge the competence of mental health professionals in AD/HD issues. Surprisingly, given the number of people having AD/HD, the mental health profession is apparently behind the curve in its understanding of, ability to correctly diagnose, and successfully treat AD/HD. If you end up with a well meaning dud, your relationship can get worse with bad advice rather than better. Some of the guidance offered may seem to continue the same, exploitative practices that embitter partners of p/w AD/HD, such as taking responsibility to urge AD/HD partners to obtain an accurate diagnosis and treatment, or seeking appropriate therapists. It merely continues the reality that AD/HD becomes the burden and responsibility of the partner NOT having AD/HD, while the person WITH AD/HD continues on his/her merry way..."hyperfocusing" on something more fun--just like a child. However, getting your sick--and it can't be overemphasized that AD/HD is a medical condition--partner help IS the first step to self-care and, hopefully, repairing or saving your damaged relationship. I really appreciated the hope that Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D? provides partners of p/w AD/HD that, with hard work and commitment of both parties, one doesn't have to be condemned to the life-sucking role of their partner's caretaker, at the expense of one's own dreams and desires. And, it also provides hope that one's AD/HD partner isn't condemned to a life of failure and judgment. I further appreciate that this book doesn't admonish partners of p/w AD/HD to "appreciate differences" or see AD/HD as "a gift." AD/HD is no gift when, as depicted in the book, your finances are in a chaotic state of disaster, you run the constant risk of car accidents because of your partner's "distracted" driving, you function as your partner's caretaker and maid, you live in a home that is the cause of humiliation because AD/HD is your interior designer, your partner's employment history is unstable, or you become subject to verbal and emotional abuse because of AD/HD corollaries. Gina Pera's Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D? is an invaluable tool for partners who love their p/w AD/HD life companions and are willing to fight for what is best for both of them.

I have ADD, and I purchased this book right before I was formally diagnosed. Gina Pera not only goes into detail about symptoms and treatment for a person with ADD, but she also describes the alarmingly frequent issues created for the spouse of an ADDer. My husband had tried to tell me how my behavior has been making him feel miserable and totally drained from energy from constantly managing both of our lives. Un/Fortunately, it wasn't until I read this book that I realized HOW badly my husband was being treated as a result of my inattentiveness and seemingly selfish behavior. Gina Pera also has two websites (addrollercoaster.org and adultadhdrelationships.blogspot.com)that are very helpful for up-to-date information and suggestions for couples dealing with ADD. She often becomes involved in discussions and the comments made on these websites. I was amazed that she took such an interest in her followers and is so genuine in her desire to educate and assist others. My only criticism is that the book is solely geared towards assisting people who believe their partner has adult ADD and/or the partner is in denial of their ADD. In my situation, it is my husband who denies how debilitating ADD can be. It has been a fairly difficult time, but with more effort and practice, I'll apply these good lessons and form my own system to improve myself.

I purchased this for my Kindle when I was helping a very dear friend seek help for ADHD. I just ordered two more paper copies for him to give to his parents and ex. I've read over a half dozen ADHD books in the past few weeks, and of them I think this one is best for someone who is more interested coping with the day-to-day reality of living with someone with ADHD and less concerned with the underlying science and biochemistry (there are great books for that, too). I think this book serves two important functions. People with ADHD and their loved ones will recognize themselves in the stories that are woven throughout the book. For me, it was a revelation to see that there were so many other people out there who had experienced the same things and were coping with the same issues. That's an important step in recognizing that ADHD is a real thing and that there's an explanation and reason for so much of the frustrating behavior. For someone trying to convince a loved one with ADHD to seek help, or trying to help the friends and family of someone with ADHD understand what's going on, this is invaluable. The second thing is that there are lots of good strategies for medication management, coping mechanisms, improving interpersonal skills, and building a support network to help cope. Much of the advice is drawn from the shared wisdom of ADHD support groups and people who have had similar experiences. My only criticism is that the book tends to assume that the person with ADHD is being successfully treated. When I first read it, we were still struggling to find a physician who was experienced and understood ADHD within the restrictions of limited insurance coverage for mental health issues. It was frustrating to read about people who improved with proper medication when we had just gone through a nightmarish experience with two different mental health providers who refused to consider stimulants for ADHD patients because "there was too much paperwork involved." If you have a loved one with ADHD who is seeking treatment but still not getting the help they need, this book may be a little tough to stomach knowing things could be better but you haven't gotten there yet. There is good advice, however, about taking control of your treatment and not being afraid to change providers until you find the right person. We did eventually get on the right track, but it was a long and arduous process. This should be essential reading for anyone struggling with the daily reality of ADHD or a loved one's ADHD.

I found this book on the library shelf by accident, when I was looking for something else - books on depression. I am writing to say how thankful I am that I found this book, and to encourage anyone who thinks they may have a partner or loved one with adult ADHD to crack open this book and look inside. The insights found in this book can change your life and your relationship(s). I began looking at depression books because of my relationship with my fiance, which had become turbulent, confusing and sometimes nonsensical as we began discussing marriage. At first I thought it was a case of "cold feet" on his part, but his behavior became just too odd to write off as "cold feet". It didn't make sense to me or anyone else. Due to family history I suspected depression might be involved,and in the process of researching depression I found this book. I literally saw my fiancee on almost every page of this book. The book gave me the clarity I needed, to know what to expect if I decided to move forward into the future with this person. The book also gave me the insights and courage to bring the problem out into the open with my fiancee and work toward getting an assessment. I carefully chose a psychiatrist, scheduled the assessment, and attended with my fiancee, as the book suggested. However, my advocacy on behalf of my fiancee did not result in an immediate diagnosis. While the psychiatrist said the behavior I reported to her at the meeting was consistent with ADHD, it was also consistent with depression and she wanted to treat that first. Five months went by while my fiancee took antidepressants but his negative ADHD behaviors continued unabated, and our relationship deteriorated. After five months, he has now received a diagnosis of ADHD and is taking medication. It's too soon to know how it will turn out. I want to write and encourage potential readers of this book to use it as a source of encouragement, and be prepared to be persistent, even if you meet with resistance from your ADHD partner or the physician who may be just uninformed. As I understand it, often physicians will confuse ADHD with depression, which can cost valuable time. It's important for the non ADHD partner who may be "driving the bus" on obtaining treatment, to realize that this can happen and be prepared to persist even in spite of resistance. I am very grateful to Gina Pera for writing such a thorough, comprehensive, supportive guide to life with an ADHD partner.

This is the best ADD book I've read, and I've read quite a few. I read it hoping to get a grip on my wife's ADD behavior, which it did very effectively. The surprise for me was that as I read about my wife's actions, I started seeing more and more of ME being described. It was a real eye opener; it helped convince me that I needed to consider that I might have ADD, too, and it clearly described the reasons why so many people with ADD don't recognize it in themselves. So, though this book is intended for significant others of ADDers, if you're interested in your own ADD, this book could be very helpful. The book is more straight forward and descriptive of the brain science of the disorder than many other ADD books, which I prefer over the jokey, conversational style of writing that so many ADD books follow. There's nothing wrong with trying to drop an ADD joke in every paragraph-- I'm thinking particularly of You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Crazy or Stupid-- which is a good book that has helped a lot of people. But some readers-- especially the ADDers?-- may find this book a little too dry. Be assured, though, this is written for average readers, with very clear and understandable descriptions and examples. The book also provides excellent insights into how ADD will affect relationships. Many of the descriptions of the roller coaster ride of ADD in a relationship were spot on,to the point of even being painful to read because it caused me to revisit many unpleasant experiences in my life. For the significant others of ADDers, even if it doesn't solve the problem, just understanding the reasons for the very frustrating and hurtful behavior in your ADD spouse increases compassion and understanding (including awareness that you, indeed, aren't crazy). And it might help convince the ADDer in the family to seek treatment. It did that for me, thank goodness. If you are an ADDer who recognizes the disorder in yourself, this book will be very helpful in understanding your behavior, and, very significantly, how it affects your relationship with your spouse. You'll have some "ouch... is that what I do?" moments, but you and your family will be the better for it.

I married a great guy, but after just a few years, we were in real trouble. He was constantly forgetful, distracted, defensive, and argumentative, and I was frustrated, depressed, exhausted, and baffled. I didn't know adults could have ADD; I thought it was only for kids. In a bookstore one day, I showed my husband an ADD checklist for adults, and we joked as he tallied up a perfect score. From this initial exposure, I gradually came to suspect that we really were dealing with adult ADD, but my husband considered that impossible; after all, if it were true, it could mean that our problems were all his fault. We entered a phase of me endlessly nagging him for an evaluation and him feeling defective and unfairly blamed for everything that went wrong. Deeply unhappy, but still committed and trying, we went to a lecture one day, met Ms. Pera, and picked up two copies of Is It You, Me, or ADD? We read it together, and we read it singly, and over time it opened our eyes to what we were really dealing with. I quickly learned that my negative tone of voice and judgemental attitude were invisibly poisoning the emotional environment within which I was trying to grow our marriage. While the book is also pointedly for "partners of," it contributed in a major way to initiating my husband's recovery too, by helping him to see just how much pain his untreated condition created for me; not to make him feel worse, but to help him stop denying it so that he could start changing the negative effects he had no intention of causing. Ms. Pera is wife to a husband with ADD and also, thankfully, a journalist and not a scientist or medical "expert" making her work for me credible, comprehensive and readable. She has an amusing knack for explaining the convoluted phases of the "roller coaster," accompanying them with a chorus of data from her deeply experienced reference support group and relevant reports from a myriad of noted experts in the field. As my husband and I gingerly weave our way through recovery from a condition we didn't even know we had, I return to this book for explanations I have forgotten or information that was too complex for me to take in before. A reliable reference, a condensed ADD encyclopedia or bible as it were, my copy lives on my night stand for a quick check or more thorough reading as needed. We have aquired a good dozen or more ADD books in the last few years, including Hallowell's and Orlov's works, but nothing is as enduringly useful to me as the ADD partner. Is It You, Me, or ADD? This is the one I'd urge you to start and stay with.

Gina Pera logra abordar el tema de manera muy completa. El libro cuenta con muchos ejemplos de casos reales, te identificarás con más de uno al mismo tiempo que descubrirás que no estás solo. Es un excelente apoyo para lidiar con el día a día. Lo recomiendo ampliamente a cualquiera que esté buscando apoyo e información en el tema.

This book and its wisdom has been a game changer for us. It is the only reliable and validating source of information on ADHD and relationships I have found. I've read alot, from a variety of sources, and this book is miles ahead of the rest. Many claim to be expert, many believe they are, but very very few have the knowledge and understanding about the complexity of ADHD, and ADHD affected relationships. Gina is skillful in distilling a huge amount of information into something that it understandable and practical, and provides a pathway forward. The way forward is never easy or strait for anyone, but this book provides a roadmap. The information Gina uses is a clever combination of academic research, independent research, and personal experience. It provides an extremely comprehensive picture of ADHD in relationships and how best to navigate it to help people and couples thrive. What's important to remember is there are no silver bullets. Anyone offering that is lying. Navigating ADHD affected relationships requires time and patience, and a huge learning curve. Gina's book is your best teacher. If you are willing to learn, this is the best education you will get.

Unlike many resources I've explored, this neither panders nor placates. It is written to/for both partners, and assumes mutual love and consideration as a starting point. It manages to validate the experience of each partner without invalidating the experience of the other. Don't misunderstand - neither the book nor I suggest that living in relationship with ADD is easy - but Pera helps it to seem possible. While the book's strength is that it targets collaboration between partners in "stopping the roller coaster", it is equally valuable as a source of information, explanation, validation and support to one partner (wrestling with the implications and complications of ADD) who may not yet have secured "buy-in" from their mate. Clear, eloquent, grounded in and connected to research without being dense or inaccessible. Truly excellent!

I have really found this book really helpful. I have ADHD and it is definitely more for the partner than the ADHDer, but I found it quite insightful and helped me identify some problematic behaviour that I was previously unaware of. Now I am just waiting for my husband to read it and we will see how that turns out. I found some of the structure a bit infuriating because it changes to like a "dark grey" section in the middle of some other text and i didn't know if I was supposed to finish the main bit and come back to that or pause the part I was reading, read the "block" and then go back. Probably someone without ADHD might not have an issue with this

Muito bom.