Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness Paperback – March 27, 2018

I was intrigued with this book because I have read Jessica Valenti’s books “The Purity Myth,” “Full Frontal Feminism,” and “He’s a Stud, She’s a Slut,” and every so often I look up the articles that she has written. Knowing that she is a “third wave feminist author” I was interested in her understanding of parenting and how it shaped both her feminism and mothering affect one another.First of all, this is a book short enough in length that I read it in one sitting. Typically, I love a good thick book because it means that I am getting something comprehensive about the topic. I had the sense that Valenti would only touch on one idea lightly before jumping off to another. For instance, she says that raising children should be a community endeavor and touches on daycare as being part of that, but never fully paints a picture of what community-child raising is going to look like, how it will affect children, and what the parent’s role is going to be in this community child-raising world.This style felt very unorganized because, first of all, she never answered the titular question on why one should have children. The best I could gather from what I had read, is that the author would suggest “Don’t.” The undertone of this book is consistently negative as though the author had a child and found out that she despised child rearing. Maybe she found that she herself is not a natural mother and hence her chapter on maternal instinct being mythical.The book itself is split into two parts: “Lies” (including “Children Make You Happy,” “Women Are the Natural Parent,” “Breast is Best,” “Children Need Their Parents,” “‘The Hardest Job in the World’,” and “MOther Knows Best”) and “Truth” (including “Giving Up on Parenthood,” “‘Bad’ Mothers Go to Jail,” “Smart Women Don’t Have Kids,” “Death of the Nuclear Family,” “Women Should Work,” and “Why Have Kids?”). Those titles themselves speak for themselves on how the author seems to view parenting. Each chapter is laden with cherry-picked studies and sources that support the author’s viewpoint and statistics that frankly fly over your head. She will add a snarky quip and act like she made her point, but never seemed to have clarity on what she actually wanted to say. She also had an uncomfortable amount of forum and blog post entries as credible sources, quoting people like “Jessica Wabbit” which is the kind of thing I wouldn't have even tried to get away with in my high school research papers.The initial impression that I got from her book was that being a parent sucks because children are needy little creatures who bore you with their constant need of nurturing, attention, and care, and frustrate you with their messes and general existence. She made children seem like such a burden. I get that babies are vulnerable and they don’t really have anything to offer you back. But something that I Understand from feminism is that we resent when men treat us as existing merely for their own gratification because we’re people in our own right. Children are the same way. I think a good take-away would be the idea that we realize that, yes, mothers are individuals in their own right, but what binds us together in to be giving of ourselves toward each other. That I model self-giving for my children who, in turn, learn to give of themselves to others, including me, and that teaches compassion, consideration, as well as showing children that they are loved and valuable human beings.I was uncomfortable with her objection to some ideas like elimination communication, attachment parenting, etc. because it seemed like it was based mostly on the idea that you had to spend large quantities of time with your children in order to learn their cues, bond, or whatever else. No parent HAS to adopt any of these methods (there are many that don’t appeal to me whatsoever) but a “that doesn’t work for my family’s unique situation” objection sits better with me than a “I don’t want to spend that much time with my kid. I have a life” kind of response. I don’t think women should be Stepford Wives or believe that their only identity is in their children because children grow up and move out. It’s healthy have have “me” time for chai lattes, reading good books, keeping space for hobbies and friendships and sex, and all those things that make life enjoyable. It’s normal to desire freedom and independence. But as interdependent beings, we have obligations to each other whether for family, friendships, love, careers, there are just times when you have to think of yourself second. Parenting is one of those things that require that. It’s hard, but I’d rather be the kind of parent who sucked the marrow out of every moment before my children move out to carve their own space in the world. It doesn’t seem like it when there are Cherrios on every conceivable living room surface, but time is short.I could maybe stand if the book was more an anecdotal realization that the image of “perfect parenting” that we see isn’t actually achievable and we all do the best that we know how. You can have a gentle birth plan, read about attachment parenting and home-schooling, and plan a lovely close-knit family, but you’ll never be the Von trapps singing together, and that’s okay. Life is complicated. Real children are individual and often difficult. No relationship, including the marriage and parenting kind, is idyllic. Yes, Valenti did take time to call out the unachievable standards that we hold ourselves up to and shows that sometimes circumstances change how we want to raise our children and the comparison game of “better mom” is unfair. I think that is commendable.Both “Lies” and “Truths” highlight the negative aspects of parenting without any of the delights that go along with raising children. Valenti even quoted a woman as saying that she would have had an abortion if she could choose again. I thought that was such a horrific thing to say! Can you imagine being that child and learning your mother would rather have terminated you? And she also cites a story of mass child abandonment. How damaging would that be? HOw could you not take that personally? No amount of “I love my children but…” quotes can gloss over the picture this book paints that children are really more of a burden than their worth and that we’d dispose of them if there weren’t annoying legal repercussions.The book was also completely written from the perspective of urban upper-middle class white privilege. She had liberal guilt moments where she acknowledges this but then keep going with her argument. In Valenti’s book, women are leaving their jobs as doctors and lawyers and business executives. She herself has a nice job as a successful writer. Everyone I know works in a cubicle or at a telemarketing desk or as a clerk or food/beverage server in tedious jobs with crap wages. Personally, I would rather do kitchen table arts-and-crafts. Then Valenti presents the attitude, albeit a timid one, that even if a woman dearly desires to stay home full time to mother her children and, perhaps, home school, she shouldn’t. She gives some flimsy reasoning about how it affects women as a class, which didn’t resonate with me at all. I felt like she overstepped her bounds there just as much as random strangers who say, “Are you sure you should be feeding that baby formula?”By the end, I felt that she hadn’t said much that someone else hadn’t already written. This is just another “Mommy Wars” book that is condescending toward anyone who dares to think differently than her and scoffs at mothers who parent in ways in which the author would not. To be frankly honest, this book had such a selfish, vitriolic undercurrent that I felt sick. All I knew when I finished reading that book was that I don’t want to be a feminist as Valenti describes it. I care about the equality of women, but I also care about being of service to other people and harboring positive intimate relationships, and I don’t want to be a part of something that is anti-generosity.

I happen to be a very happy parent, and have had good experiences overall. However, I found this book to be a good survey on parenthood that I think would be useful for all sorts of people to read: People who have decided not to have kids and might need a little bolstering to help deal with those who judge their decision... People who have not had such great or easy parenting experiences... People who might find themselves judging their friends or childrens' decisions on how to structure their families with or without children.Most books (and articles) seem to be all about how great parenting is, or how to be a perfect parent. I think this one does a nice job of summarizing many aspects of parenting and intentional non-parenting, that I haven't found before. Because my own parenting experience has been good overall, I'm not out looking for books on how difficult or terrible parenting is, and I only learned about this one because I hear the author on NPR. But I think it's useful for moms like me to be reminded not to judge others who haven't been as lucky. Feminism is still evolving and we keep going through different phases of what opportunities we have access to, which ones we don't, and there are many costs/benefits to consider in "opting out" of the working world to be considered. I often fantasize about leaving my well-paid professional position, and it's useful to be reminded of the risks, and how that choice might play out differently than I have imagined...I also know several women who don't want or can't have kids. I was initially ambivilant about having a child. As much as I love being a parent, I can see how I could have been just as happy without. You don't miss what you don't have if you never particularly wanted it right? So why be so judgmental toward those who decide against this choice. I also have had friends who are unable to have children for whom adoption was not an option they chose to pursue. These people are typically subjected to intrusive questions and judgment and it's astounding that so many people feel so comfortable prying and commenting on such a personal issue.I love reading the positive and negative reviews on books I find interesting. There is one negative review here that criticizes this book for being too much of a survey and not having more depth. I can understand that perspective from someone who really wants to dig into this topic. However, I think this is a thought provoking and easy read that is much more accessible to the mainstream who are less likely to delve into a weightier analysis on the subject.My take away from this book is that I'm reminded that everyone has vastly different parenting experience and that we should all try to support each other rather than judge each other, and to be more of a sister-hood / village than stone-throwing mob. We need to stand by each other against the (mostly but not entirely male) contingent who would pass / enact / enforce laws that persecute women who are unable to fullfill the misguided and unreasonable ideal of the "perfect mother". The "bad mothers go to jail" chapter is both interesting and horrifying example of this tendancy. It could lead to a whole 'nother book onthe political / religious zealots out there, but would probably be one way too depressing for me to read.I will recommend this book to many of my friends, especially due to the combo of the accessible style and the accessible Kindle price.

This isn’t my usual type of book but after seeing on one of the Kindle Daily Deals, I brought it. The title alone was enough to grip me as like most people in the twenties I seem to be surrounded by people having babies or people talking about them. I thought this book was very interesting the fact and figures are based on America but I really enjoyed it and it gave me a lot to think about. it’s a very honest book about children mothering and parenting. Though I don’t think I’d want to read this if i already had a child. Great, interesting read that wasn’t too long and used real people

I love Jessica Valenti's work, and this book is no exception. It's a great book on bringing up children/not bringing up children, and it's stories and statistics are easy to follow and understand. I'd definitely recommend.

Lots of good insights about the nature of parenting. I recommend this Book to potential parents (both sexes) with an important caveat. The author thinks that the professionals are "overzealous" about drinking in pregnancy. In fact, there is 4 decades of overwhelming evidence that there is no research that has determined a safe level or a safe amount of beverage alcohol that will ensure no damage to the evolving brain of the fetus. Take a chance if you must but that child must live out his or her days with diminished intellectual resources. The safest bet is avoiding alcohol from the time you start planning a pregnancy: sexually active and no contraception. It's the adult thing to do.

Great!

As we all know, having children is not nowadays very popular. Many women skip it altogether and many stop at one child. Children are difficult to care for, expensive, affect one's career etc. In the US, having children is especially difficult because the basic services are lacking or very expensive. In this book, the author has had a very difficult childbirth and traumatic first months and she generalizes from these experiences, to defend the thesis that it is not true that children make you happy and are easy to take care of. She is especially critical of attachment parenting, nursing and other recommendations concerning the welfare of children. She thinks mothers should be more selfish and less oriented towards the needs of their children. OK, if you don't wish to have children, read this book. If you would like to have children, better avoid it. The advice is not good. I mean, once you go for children, they ARE your responsibility. It is better like the work involved than dislike it, once the child is in your hands. Because they notice it. My experience after five children is that good parenting is very simple: just go for it, don't prevaricate. And give the child what he or she needs. And enjoy, while they are small! Don't worry, be happy...