Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

I'm a spiritual, not really religious person and I'm not into bible study. Honestly, the bible is not one of my most inspiring spiritual texts to be honest as a Christian. I was hesitant for that reason about this book, hoping it wouldn't be preachy or judgmental. Instead, what I discovered was a wonderful use of biblical verses that is very lightly woven into the stories about why it's important to set strong boundaries, and why God wants us to stop being martyrs and make choices that support our happiness and well-being. This is such a refreshing approach to using the bible as helpful inspiration to apply to real life situations, similar to Joel Osteen. The authors are very down-to-earth, real, honest and direct about the issue of weak boundaries, identifying them, and explaining how to implement them. I bought another book called Energetic Boundaries in the past that was more focused on metaphysical aspects of boundaries. That was helpful, too, but this book blows it out of the water with it's grounded approach and strong tone encouraging the reader to take charge of their life and stop being a doormat. So many spiritual, Christian people tend to be taken advantage of or get burnt out always tending to everyone else's needs, and this book gives permission to stop that unhealthy cycle so you could feel peaceful and take better care of yourself instead of feeling guilty like you owe everyone else your time and energy in order to be a "good" person. I sent this book to my best friend, and we've been reading it together and agreed to be each other's boundary buddies when those pushers come along our path, which they often have! I highly recommend this book for anyone who enjoys the spiritual connection and psychological awareness that makes for a holistic approach to changing unhealthy habits. I also purchased Doreen Virtue's Assertiveness for Earth Angels but it's not as in depth as this book, and has a more gentle, soft approach that hasn't drawn me in strong enough, where this Boundaries book feels highly motivating to me. Doreen's book has been sitting on my shelf for a year and I've breezed through it not feeling compelled to get into it yet. The first day I opened this Boundaries book, I read 50 pages on the spot, highlighter in hand.

Good life skills

If you have ever had a one sided relationship with a loved one where they have boundaries of their own but you have never set up boundaries for yourself with them, then you will eventually experience the dire need to set up your own boundaries and know why and how to do just that. I think that this is an amazing book to understand why everyone should have boundaries of some kind in their relationships. I now understand why just being a loving and good person is not the foundation of a good and balanced relationship but is actually the finished part of it. After reading the book, twice, I believe that if a relationship has boundaries on both sides, as a foundation, then the outcome of that relationship will give way to a loving and deep friendship or love relationship and it will foster self respect and respect for others. We all go hay wire in how we deal with our daily lives with others and how we treat them in what we consider good or bad but I now understand that we must not let that be the influence of how we treat others. This book sounds like common sense but is actually more than just that. I love how every chapter, I was able to see a little of me in it and how I could get more from my life and my relationships by being up front in a loving way and knowing that God didn't make us all just door mats. Christ doesn't give us anything and everything we want but instead he gives us what he knows we need and what he is willing to give us to build our relationship up with him into one of thankfulness, trust, love and his Grace. I now understand that we are practicing this now so that we can have a closer relationship with Him through eternity. I believe this book is a gift to anyone that reads it. I also read his book "Boundaries with Kids" and highly recommend it to everyone. I don't think it is just for young parents with growing children or a growing family. I actually read it first and through it wanted to read this book "Boundaries" So many books that try to help us overcome relationships in our lives, stress the good the bad and the ugly. These books written by Cloud and Townsend stress the Golden Rule and it really encompasses loving ourselves through having boundaries before we can love others. The "Kids" book would make the most wonderful gift to a young couple with a new baby. I wish I had read this book when our children were growing up.

Although this book attempts to address an extremely important aspect of human relationships (i.e. establishing healthy boundaries) there are times when I feel the book was not very realistic. In an ideal world perhaps information imparted would work quite well. Unfortunately we do not live in an ideal world. For instance in Chapter 9 the authors attempt to discuss "Boundaries and Your Spouse." The authors state "in marriage...When the two become one on their wedding day, spouses do not lose their individual identities. Each participates in the relationship, and each has his or her own life." Wouldn't that be nice if that were true? What IS realistic far too often is that the WOMAN does in fact lose HER identity to the man as evidenced from the beginning with her very last name change. The man does NOT lose his. The authors continue "The problem arises when one trespasses on the other's personhood, behaviors, choices, and values of the other...To try to control these things is to violate someone's boundaries." This I fully agree with but having worked in the field of domestic violence for many years is NOT what I often saw. The authors rightfully point out that in 1 Corinthians 7:4-6 the Bible says that the husband and wife have "authority over each other's bodies." Husband and wife are advised to submit onto each other. However, what many priests and ministers overly stress is the necessity of the WIFE'S submission to the husband. Apparently it is left to the husband to decide what form this submission should take. If, heaven forbid, the wife is not submissive enough, there are many husbands who feel justified to use physical abuse to make this happen. This violation of the wife's boundaries does not seem to be addressed in any of the churches currently in existance. In Chapter 11 "Boundaries and Work" it is NOT realistic nor particularly helpful to confront an overly critical supervisor telling them how you feel about their attitude and how it affects you. Particularly those of us who have been in the military or worked for the Department of Defense know that this would not likely have a good outcome. This would be true particularly if you followed the authors advice: "If she will not agree to change, you may want to tell her that you do not wish to talk with her until she gets her attitude under control." I have to say though that the authors DO offer the alternative of following a company's grievance policy. This sometimes might work. The authors make the point that "The important thing is that you can't control her, but you can choose to limit your exposure to her either physically or emotionally distancing yourself from her. This is control." Still the ability to establish REALISTIC boundaries can be very helpful and one worth exploring. This book can help you with that.

This book was like a having a life preserver thrown to me while I was drowning out in the sea!! I always felt like I needed to be the caretaker to everyone and never said no to anyone in my world in order to avoid anyone getting upset. The end result was a life of upset for myself!! I didn't know how to do anything different, or expect anything from anyone else, because my habits were so ingrained. The way this book outlines exactly what you need to do made it clear to me that it is ok, even healthy, to set boundaries with people. And when I applied these skills, I found myself more at peace, relaxed, confident, and free since I was now being true to myself. And it's made others around me step up and take ownership of their own responsibilities and actually believe me when I say no, now. It's like a huge burden gets lifted when you start taking care of yourself and not giving in to things that don't feel right to you. It's a new way of living that reshapes your behaviors, that ultimately trickle down to others around you. It's been effective when dealing with my spouse, mom, friends, child, volunteer leaders at church, and coworkers. An excellent read that will change your life for the better if you apply the skills!! As long as you stick with it. At first, other people around you won't be use to you setting boundaries so things almost seem to get worse with some for awhile that are use to getting their way, but stay assertive and confident in your stance, and keep doing the same thing, and eventually they get it, know you're serious, and eventually, some mutual respect comes right along with it! It's worth it to follow through and adhere to the authors advice!! It's a journey worth taking!

This book should be called "How to accept who you are, be confident about telling people no, and have confidence in making decisions". This is an excellent book for those looking to understand the reasons behind deep emotional road blocks. I have read this book twice because it opened so many doors in my mind and lead me towards answers I had been seeking. If you're not religious it may sound a little to holy at first but by the end of the book you'll have a much better understanding of god and his teachings. I never saw myself going to church or reading the bible but after reading this book it helped me accept responsibility for my problems and understand how god and his teachings exist for that very reason. Each individual is responsible for the quality of his or her own life. It teaches that by accepting things which may have happened to you aren't necessarily your fault but are still your responsibility to deal with, get over, and forgive in order to move on a be a whole person is a fundamental part of life. This one of a few books which may really change your life if you're struggling with being happy and being okay with who you are.

As a Christian, I've struggled with how to maintain my own boundaries with people who are under-responsible. So many people are looking for a bleeding heart, over-responsible person like me to use, but it's been important to me to realize that I am at fault for letting much of it happen. I reviewed my words to these people and I found myself not being honest with how much they inconvenience me, if at all. I stopped lying to some people and telling them that it's 'great' to see them, or it's 'no problem' when it's not. I was raised to be compliant and avoid conflict by well-meaning godly parents. I struggle when unhealthy people put me down and don't feel like I should spend time with these kinds of people. I noticed that they often do it to try and steer me toward doing something for them. My biggest problem is that I do stuff for other people and resent it big time. Then, my family never hears the end of how frustrated I am. Part of me deep inside just knows when I have allowed myself into being manipulated and resents it. Thanks to this book that gives a lot of food for thought, I am able to separate my ministry works from my friendships. True friends don't go off the deep end when you don't comply and say 'no' sometimes. I feel fulfilled and non-resentful when I choose my own ministry projects, as I am led in my heart by God; not having them forced on me. Every person has to figure out how much they are capable of and set limits. I have taken steps to invest more in friendships where we enjoy and respect each other's differences. I don't want to be the enabling source of someone to keep them wallowing in immaturity. Now, I hope my biggest issue is that I've got to find other things to talk about than how one or two peripheral friends behaved to me. My family and close friends deserve better. Edit - Oct 2014 - It has been a great year! Less resentment, more enjoyable relationships, and lots of steps in the right direction. I've been able to sort through my priorities better in how to deal with people. I've been able to dodge those who want to impose on my boundaries and enjoy healthy boundaries with true friends. The boundary busters get mad when they don't get their way, and I fight feeling bad about it sometimes because I have been over-empathetic to manipulative people for years. You don't get better overnight, but with each interaction, you have a chance to make things go well. I used to not give a clear no, and it often prolonged the process with intrusive people. I simply refuse to deal with people who don't take no for an answer. It has not been a problem to ignore over-the-top texts, fb messages and emails. I find that these people just move on to the next person on their 'list' anyway. I am working with people I love and trust. My energy is endless because I am doing the ministry that I am supposed to be doing, instead of feeling responsible for areas that I am not suited for. It is freeing like never before. Thank God for this valuable, Biblical insight into relationships!

I think this book is incredible. I highly recommend it for any Christian--the book is from a Christian perspective, so there are references to the Bible, but I think the principles can apply to non-Christians. The basic idea of the book is learning to take responsible for yourself and to stop taking responsibility for other people. One of the biggest things I appreciated about the book was that it gave me the tools to say "no" to people (the book strongly emphasizes that we ought not to do things out of guilt or fear--which is not something we often hear in the church or elsewhere really where telling someone "no" is seen as a bad or uncompassionate thing to do). This book has improved the way I approach my marriage, job, church... I wish I read it 10 years ago! There were so many things I did in my life that I felt I was being pushed into doing when I didn't even realize I had the power to say, "no, I don't want to do that." In the end I would resent the person for asking me to do things, but really I didn't have to go along with what I was asked to do just because I was asked! Anyway... I might sound like I'm rambling, but if you're a people pleaser, or a yes man, and don't like that about yourself but don't know what to do other than be at the whim of whatever anybody asks of you, then this book is great and gives you the tools to change. You will be glad you read it!

As the back of the cover suggests, this book explains the importance of boundaries in a believer's life. I really enjoyed flipping through the pages, most of my book is underlined and marked in red because of the great wisdom shared. It is a mixture of teaching and storytelling to emphasize the point. Great book.

why is this showing up twice I didn't order two copies of this most unsatisfactory book Please contact the vendor and have them accept the return of the book

This is probably by far the best and most helpful book I have every read. I also have the kindle version. If you want to know what your boundaries are with your friends, family, aquaintences .. etc.. this is the book that clear defines your boundaries. What is very great about this book, Henry even goes so far as to how to say no when those boundaries are over stepped. I see in my own life in some areas where I over stepped those with my kids. Then he address our own boundaries within ourselves. So very good. I am going to give this book to my kids so they don't make the same or similar mistakes as I did. Great Job. Thanks

sadly enough, i really might need it now as a reference for a situation i m dealing with in life... anyway its an excellent book to refer to in a lot of life situations.

Common sense and respectful, accessible psychology that helps us give our best without being taken advantage of, and so to improve everyday relationships.