Baby Knows Best: Raising a Confident and Resourceful Child, the RIE™ Way

I love this book and have used it as my main parenting style influence for over two years, and although you should read all of it and absorb what you think is important, I'll say the biggest thing for me: *You don't have to entertain your child* (so relieving! no need for performance and constant smiles--sometimes it's focus time instead). In fact, it's healthier for them to *practice entertaining themselves*. Not by watching screens or blinky loud toys (or even sometimes-expensive Montessori style activities--gravity is free and tissue boxes/milk jugs/kitchen pots/scarves, socks, and hats are probably already in your house) but with experiencing and interacting with the world around them (and, eventually, imagination and engineering behaviors applied in that world). They *can* learn to maintain a long attention span and gain skills and cause-effect understanding if you *don't interrupt them* to show them how to play, but rather watch quietly until *they look at you to engage you*. And even then, it's not *teaching* them how to do things *right* so much as reflecting back with spoken language what they've done or are feeling ("it makes a noise", "you rolled the ball", "it fell down", "you're upset") or perhaps what you've unobtrusively observed them trying to do as in "you're stacking the blocks" (once again, when *they ask* for input by moving their attention onto you--how frustrating is it to try to do a puzzle and have someone interrupt you, or worse: finish your activity for you?) The other big one for me was the verbage around praising them not for doing something well (they won't at the beginning, sometimes not for a while lol) but for trying in the first place. "You can do it" with calm confidence, then "you did it! you stacked the books" or "thank you! You helped me put it away" rather than "good job" or "you're so smart/cute/strong/etc." I've found that my child is learning skills (now as a toddler) on how to manage the stress of a task going wrong--but the language we use around it helps her to want to try again, whether with the same strategy or a different one, instead of "I'm not strong/smart enough for this" or "I didn't do a good job". As examples we use "it's tough/you're upset" a lot to acknowledge how she's feeling, and then we move on to letting her lead in problem-solving when she asks for help. "it keeps falling" "you're frustrated" "how can you try a different way" "let's make this pile in the bowl/on the table instead of on the pillow" "look! You did it! You stacked the cups" This also works *wonders* when she gets hurt (obviously not huge injuries but most other stuff). We 1) acknowledge feelings and 2) process how the injury happened and by the time we're done with those two things she's usually done crying. She's been engaged in answering diagnosis questions and understanding how she got here and by then the pain is only minor. I find that both the letting them lead their own play/focus time (and only joining when you're invited) and changing the language to be very focused on understanding both present feelings and circumstances and the last few steps of how we got here have built a well of resiliency for my child to draw on when she has new situations to adapt to. If you stick with it *they* will start to tell *you* what's going on, and then how what they did brought them to where they are, and that's a supremely critical skill for being a responsible adult--understanding how *you* make *your own consequences*. There's other good stuff in this book! Those are just my two big takeaways over the lifetime of my child. I loved the focus on giving them agency to move (not stuck in a swing) and play in a safe space where there isn't a "no don't touch that" waiting for them around the corner. The sleep training/when to soothe or let them self-soothe stuff was so critical for us many months ago. The line of jurisdiction on food and eating (parents control what's offered, baby controls what's consumed, etc.) was also helpful for me to reduce stress around how much she took in (and she was medically a really small baby, so it was always on our minds). Overall, so much wisdom that has worked so well in our household to build a foundation with. I highly recommend, reread when I need a refresher, and have several copies to give to others when they are expecting. I do prefer the hardback for my personal copy but give away paperbacks because they're less expensive, and you can take notes easier in them. 10/10

While I intuitively agree with the RIE philosophy for the most part, this book started to annoy me: The author is the president of Magda Gerber's fan club and it's all "Magda says." I'm sure Magda was an insightful and intelligent person but not every drop of her wisdom will be right for your child. If you feel you need a "how-to" manual for parenting (which this aspires to be) then maybe you really need the kind of intuition and confidence that no book can give you. Take this book with a good grain of salt, trust your instincts, and enjoy your baby!

As with all things, I'll apply a balanced and nonextreme approach. I don't dive in fully into the RIE approach because babies are so complex that it's on a case by case basis, but I appreciate and agree with a lot of the concepts. The book is a pretty good general overview if you don't take it as a baby bible and apply and tweak what works for you and your child.

I am a fan of Magda Gerber and the RIE method. I find that this approach makes sense in so many circumstances, but I really question their stance on motor development. I first discovered this method when my baby was 2 months old and he is now 4.5 months. I immediately took to the idea that he needed to just be left alone on the floor to play and learn. I questioned if tummy time was as necessary as everyone says and cut back on how much I was pushing it, and felt confident that I was doing the best thing for my baby by letting him develop his motor skills naturally. Well now he currently has a severe flat spot on his head. I also find it ridiculous to say that babies should only be in positions they can get into and out of alone and should even only be carried horizontally until they can sit up independently. That just doesn't make sense. You could argue that any position a young baby is in is one they cannot get in and out of by themselves. So I really bought into it at first because I do think a more simplistic approach to motor development makes sense, but now I have a baby with a flat head. I am back to following recommendations for tummy time, baby wearing, and carrying my baby more.

I'd like to add my personal recommendation of "Baby Knows Best" to this growing list. If you need a baby gift, want to learn more about Magda's teachings or just want to share a beautiful vision of a simpler, more peaceful way of being with babies it's wonderful! I have had the privilege of studying directly with Magda Gerber, visiting Loczy and working with Anna Tardos, Dr. Pikler's daughter, over the past 30 plus years. Naturally I was curious about the new RIE book by my colleague, Deborah Solomon, and I must say I am loving it! This book is now high my list of favorites to share with families. It provides an excellent introduction to the philosophy in a supportive, inviting voice. It also serves professionals who wish to deepen their own personal understanding of this simple,rare, and respectful approach to young children. I found it friendly, clear, and easy to read. So much of Magda's wisdom and my beliefs are beautifully captured in it's pages. I bought 6 copies, 5 to sell or use as gifts and 1 for our school library. I will need to reorder soon! Thanks Deborah and RIE for reminding us all there are simple proven ways to slow down and enjoy more, while doing less as we learn to respect the competence of infants. Linda Hinrichs

I gained an entirely new perspective on baby-rearing from this book, and love the basic principles of RIE. I gave the book 4 stars instead of 5 simply because I don't plan to implement every single idea into our lifestyle. That being said, I think parents with babies could really learn a lot from this book, and kids would be better off because of it!

I've been working in child care for ages now and I can tell you that this books is just crazy. Talk to your kid, respect your kid, and make sure you know what your kid really wants before jamming a bottle of pacifier in its mouth. The rest is crazy. No parent is going to narrate every step of a diaper change. The most I ever do it tell them its going to happen and it tends to help. Smh. Maybe I need to write a book!

I found so many aspects of this book to be unrealistic for many parents. How are you supposed to have a back and forth with a screaming baby because you need their permission to change their diaper? And only carrying a baby horizontally until they can sit up? My son would have freaked out. Just listen to your baby. You don’t need this pedagogical book.

Bought this for a friend. She is going to be a mother for the first time and has been around kids her whole life. She was very impressed about all the new things she has learned

Raising kids can be a challenge or fun based on how you wish to see this. I have a wonderful time with my kid and this book helps me to be a more supportive of my kid to build his individuality

I bought this for a gift as it came highly recommended, and I had a quick flick through before I wrapped it. The few paragraphs alone that I managed to read at speed have been of immense help in improving the understanding and bond between me and my toddler. Being aware about the language used is of great benefit, and yet so subtle, such as not using 'the royal WE!' not saying 'ok' at the end of a request: such as I might previously have said 'we need to put your shoes on, ok?' with mixed results, I now say 'its time to put your shoes on' full stop which is much more likely to get the desired result as it has more impact and is more respectful to a toddler. Now its becoming increasingly common for everyone to happier (especially getting ready for the school run!)as there is no room for confusion as im no longer making it a question about things that need to be done. Im finding adopting he RIE practices to be massively beneficial to both my self and my kids and also to those around us. Highly recommended. I also recommend the author Pennie Brownlee.

This book is one of the best parenting books out there!

When my baby came along I was more put off, than encouraged by baby books, deciding that instead of following steps in how to get my baby to behave in a certain way, I would let my child be my teacher. This book showed me exactly how. It gave me the confidence and trust in my child to let him show me his wants and needs and ways in which to respond respectfully to my child. It opened my eyes to showing love and connection in a way that was not what I intuitively thought. A very practical book, which gives a great understanding of the RIE way.